


Innocence incorporated

by themuller



Series: The adventures of Pam and Turing [2]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: 007 games, Blood, M/M, Team Q-branch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-11-28 22:04:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11427120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themuller/pseuds/themuller
Summary: AnonPrompt for the 007 games 2017:Crack Fic-Princess Pampuria Head of Feline Spectre using all her feline wiles and a ring of feline agents to comically disrupt Bond's missions and or 00Q's/00QA/00QAD's sex life. Completley-Clueless!Bond  bouns points if the komodo dragons an agent too.





	1. Blood

**Author's Note:**

> 00QAD happens in chapter four.

“I swear, Q, this cat is trying to kill me!”

“James! What have you done this time?”

“Nothing, that beast just attacked me out of the blue. Look! I’m goddamn bleeding!!”

“Bond, watch your language! Honestly, I've thought better of you! With all that blood, how come she hasn’t gotten any on herself?!”

“Because she—“

“And how come there is blood on my Swiss knife prototype? You’ve been playing around with it, haven’t you! Oh, how dare you accuse Pam when you did this yourself? How often have I told you not to touch my prototypes?!”

“But, Q, look—that’s definitely a bloody paw print.”

“What? Now you’re pointing the finger at Turing as well? Man up, 007! Accusing innocent cats, my cats! Just because you can’t keep in line. Really? And stop bleeding all over the place. It’s a bloody mess. Bloody bleeding agents! One would think you knew how to treat wounds, but oh no! Cry murder and blame the cats. As if Pam would hurt a fly or Turing would be this devious. I really wonder how you manage not to blow yourself up on your missions with this kind of attitude.”

Daddy had pushed Gramps out of the living room, muttering under his breath all the way to the bathroom to get the bleeding hand properly bandaged and probably give Gramps a tetanus vaccination. The one with the extra large syringe. Turing had tried to hide behind Pam, who was throning on her red velvet cushion on the window sill, licking her paws clean.

“You better get that blood off your paws, Turing. Can’t have Daddy think we had anything to do with this knife of his, now, can we?”


	2. There will be dragons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet Izzy and Lizzy, lizards of S.P.E.C.T.R.E.

Lizzy and Izzy were thrilled when they got a visit from Grumpy. Not that they were bored, with a continuously flow of humans being thrown into their ditch for them to play with. However, most of these humans posed a rather short time of entertainment. A bit of spit and a well placed bite and suddenly it was all seizures and screams—admittedly the best part of the shenanigans, but over and ending far too quickly for their liking. Now, Grumpy told them to bring their best game, because the Princess had send them on a mission. And the human she would be sending, had to be annihilated at all cost. Though, when Grumpy was explaining about the human being old, Izzy was rather disappointed.

“Ugh, old. Probably all chewy. Couldn’t Pam send a tender, fresh one instead?”

“Yeah, ugh. Old. Chewy.” Lizzy repeated annoyed. “A fresh, tender one would be better.”

Grumpy looked at them, grumpily.

“He may be old, but Princess assures me he will put up quite a fight. She has tried to take him down for some time now.”

“Ha, no problem. Leave it to us!” Izzy said confidently.

“Yeah, ha. No problem. Just leave it to us,” Lizzy repeated as confidently.

Grumpy looked from one Komodo dragon to the other, grumpily doubtful. When she heard a commotion above, she decided to better get back to her humans. Now, it was up to the lizards to do their work.

Lizzy and Izzy took their favourite places, waiting patiently for the human to be thrown into the ditch. They could hear some fighting taking place on the small bridge above them. Eventually, a human fell into the sand. And then another one. Lizzy looked at Izzy.

“Two humans? But Grumpy said one human. How are there two humans in our ditch? That is one human too many!”

Now, the two humans were fighting with each other and Lizzy became all dizzy. Which one were they supposed to take care of? Izzy was watching, looking from one of the humans to the other. Very frustrating, all this running and flailing around of arms and legs. Better concentrate on one of them, then they could take the other one afterwards. Izzy walked slowly towards the human who was closest, taking a measured glance at his legs. He was standing still, making a nice target. One more step and another one, and ‘schnapp’! Izzy got hold of a trouser-covered leg, pushing its teeth through the thick material and into soft flesh. The poisons from its glands began their work, causing the human to cry, kicking and waving his arms and legs. Lizzy ran towards the other human, an old man, but somehow he jumped to the side and then put a foot on Lizzy’s back and—was gone!

“What kind of wizardry is this? Izzy! Where is the other one?”

But Izzy was busy, ripping the convulsing human apart. With a shrug, Lizzy decided to join the fun, seeing something shiny in the sand on its way over to Izzy and gobbled it up before contemplating that it might be this metal thingie the human had been pointing at the other human. Whatever, Lizzy thought swallowing the edgy thing, better help Izzy dismember the human.

*********************

Daddy was watching yet another video with Grumpy Cat, looking particularly grumpy this time. It was a video shot in Macau, of all places. And Daddy had put it on, since Gramps was at the very place just now.

Pam and Turing were watching intently perched on the desk beside the laptop, Pam’s tail swishing in anticipation. Grumpy Cat seemed agitated for once, and within a few moments it became clear that Izzy and Lizzy had failed. Again.

“Bloody lizards!”

Pam growled loudly and pushed Turing over the edge of the desk, before she jumped down herself and walked towards Turing’s half filled foodbowl. This called for a compensatory snack.


	3. What the heck is sex, anyway?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pam is appalled.

The first time ‘it’ happened, Pam was too shocked to intervene. Turing just looked bored, having been privy to Daddy’s shenanigans so many times before.

It started with this rubbing of lips and faces in the living room. Nothing, Pam hadn’t seen before. But then Gramps grabbed Daddy and held him tight, and Daddy made all those small heartbreaking noises. Pam was ready to send Turing to the rescue, but he just yawned at her, explained that this was normal for humans.

It got worse!

Gramps carried Daddy into the bedroom, shedding their clothes on the way. Pam was briefly worrying if the old relict could do this and keep Daddy safe from falling. She made sure to keep an eye on them and managed to squeeze into the room before Gramps shut the door on her and Turing, who already had found his preferred loafing spot on top of the book shelf, having a good view for the upcoming action.

Seeing Daddy and Gramps naked was nothing new. Seeing both of them grabbing each others genitals and butts on the other hand—! When Gramps was licking Daddy’s arse, Pam’s eyes were popping out of her head. Humans did that, too?

Never ever had she seen uncle engage in such actions. Come to think of it, uncle never even slept together with another human. Only Pam was allowed in his bed, lying on her very own silk cushion, placed closely beside uncle’s. Only Pam would be petted and cuddled by uncle. Other humans were there for uncle to play with; to service Pam and uncle on their every whim.

It became even more bizarre when Gramps put his penis (!) into Daddy’s arse. Pam’s mouth was hitting the floor board. By the mighty Catlord! What did he think he could accomplish with such a move? And couldn’t he hear Daddy’s distressed moans and pleas?

And then… Pam had no words. It was gross! Obscene! RUDE! The smell. And the sticky stuff in the sheets. And and Daddy! He smiled! How could he? It must be Gramps doing evil mind things with Daddy.

There and then Pam decided to put an end to Gramps’ abuse and brainwashing of Daddy. No more of this on her watch! She would train Turing to become the perfect cat guard for Daddy. Princess Pampuria herself would be there, attacking Gramps if that was what it would take!

The following days, Pam was watching Gramps like a panther watched its prey. Every time Gramps so much as closed in on Daddy, Pam ordered Turing to charge. Catching Gramps’ foot; jump up and grab his tie, destroying his suit in the process. If nothing else would stop him, Pam let herself fall from the window sill, attracting Daddy’s full attention when meowing pitifully and limping slowly towards him. At those times, Pam would cling to Daddy, casting supercilious glances at Gramps who in turn would send murderous looks her way.

On one memorable occasion Pam even stuck her tongue out while Daddy was carrying her back into the living room, stark naked and with a rather impressive penis sticking up between his legs Pam couldn't avoid noting. Daddy looked a little sad when he put her back on her velvet pillow, but Pam knew this was all due to Gramps’ evil mind games. When she eventually let him go, Daddy had put on some clothes again and went straight back to the kitchen instead of the bedroom.

Pam refined her strategy over time, becoming better in anticipating when Gramps would make a move on Daddy. Still, some times Gramps was faster than both Turing and her. Then, the bedroom door would be closed and locked. And Pam could hear Daddy scream and whimper, goose bumps making her fluffy floof all messed up, making her even more enraged on Daddy’s behalf.

But the worst was yet to come.


	4. And then there were four!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gross gets grosser and Pam is out-smarted by the dumb twin.

It began quite innocently. Suddenly one night, the twin was in their flat. Daddy and Gramps were nowhere to be seen. The twin was sad and Turing would of course try to console him. Pam not so much. To begin with at least.

She had to show her superiority and a few scratches and some bloodletting wouldn’t add that much to the sadness, now, would it? That said, it didn’t take long for Pam to realise that the twin, dumb as he most certainly was—compared to Daddy—was really the cat-petter™.

Not even uncle had come close to this level of bliss. The twin could turn her into a boneless puddle of floof with a few well placed pats. As a side effect some of his inherent sadness would disappear. Because of this, Pam had a few kerfuffles with Turing as to who was to be the primary recipient of the twin’s affection. Of course, Pam made it quite clear that her needs for tenderness were more important than Turing’s. As it was, she had been abducted and brought to a foreign place with bad people. Turing’s argument of being a street-cat only served to support Pam, since ‘he obviously was used to lack of cuddles!’

Soon, however, their harmonic cohabitation was interrupted again, when the virgin made his appearance. While still being sad, the twin perked up whenever the virgin was around. As for the virgin’s name, well, that’s because of the havoc this last addendum to their increasing family caused.

Because! If Pam had thought Gramps was a bad influence on Daddy, the twin turned out to be even worse!

As soon as the virgin began living in the flat, the twin used some of the same tricks as Gramps on the virgin. Face rubbing and holding the virgin tight, but contrary to Daddy, the virgin did seem to fight back. At least he didn’t make all those happy noises, Daddy used to make whenever Gramps touched him. Also, it seemed as if the twin had to explain a lot of what was going to happen and ask if the virgin was okay with it.

Unfortunately, he was.

Every single time!

Which meant that things progressed much like with Gramps and Daddy, only, any kind of intervention Pam might come up with inevitably resulted in her becoming part of the twin’s shenanigans instead!

Not that they would mess up her floof or make her part of a sandwich between them, but somehow she would end up in bed with them, one hand petting her while the other was somewhere doing unspeakable things with the virgin’s body.

And still, the twin and Gramps were able to make the gross even grosser!

One day Gramps and the twin out of the blue decided to take all four of them to bed. At the same time! Leaving the bedroom door invitingly open, since Gramps had found out about the twin’s unsavoury ability to keep Pam at bay during his couplings with the virgin.

Despite her best efforts, Pam couldn’t withstand the open door and ended up with this wet, gooey stuff on her paws, demanding Turing to lick it off her! It was outrageously rude! Especially since the twin in the aftermath dared to pet her with his hands still covered in the unmentionable slime.

Pam had to withdraw to her velvet cushion in the living room, trying to compose herself, and slapping Turing when he returned with a huge satisfied smile on his face.

“We should have filmed that, Pam! It would have been a hit on Youporn, trust me!”


	5. A study in cat porn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pam has certain urges and Turing isn't able to comply, sadly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I blame this one entirely on a conversation with [a-forger-and-apoint-man](http://a-forger-and-a-point-man.tumblr.com). And this is just the beginning!

You see, dear reader, Pam is but an animal. And being this close to all of this seediness and lasciviousness took its toll. Long lost and buried desires and needs began to surface, and one bright and shining morning, Pam found herself rolling around on the soft, thick carpet of the living room. All the humans had left the flat, something about missions and exams and stuff. Not that Pam cared. Turing looked on, rather intrigued. He had seen other cats do these motions before, but had never believed he would see the day Pam—of all the princess cats he had ever known—would turn into one of those needy little pussies, yearning for a real cat king.

With a deep sigh, Turing watched Pam become more and more agitated and—affectionate. He tried to fence her off, and he eventually found himself cornered, Pam clearly presenting her rump in the most romantic and enticing way possible. He had tried to explain that he had no such urges, never would have. And even if he had, well, certain parts—rather vital parts—for engaging in such practices with succes were missing.

With a quick shove and high jump he managed to free himself and within minutes had found his secret passage out of the flat. Thankfully, he knew Pam wouldn’t be able to follow; the initial exit too small for her head to fit. Not that she was in any state to even attempt a break out.

Turing knew who would be able to help. Tom, the Cat Casanova! Not always the most brilliant of cats, but he knew how to handle cat princesses. And he wouldn’t ask questions and most definitely not stay in the flat for longer than necessary. Only problem was, how long they had got before Turing’s humans would be back. As it was, Tom would need at least a day to keep Pam from becoming even more desperate. Well, one thing at a time, Turing thought, running on light paws through the big city.

As always, Tom was planning on how to get rid of the blasted mouse at his house. A hunt, which after several years still hadn’t resulted in Tom catching the mouse. If Turing was honest, by now he didn’t believe it would ever happen. Cat and mouse had become far too friendly with each other—when they thought nobody was looking.

When Turing explained about his predicament, Tom was only too happy to oblige, throwing his newest idea of a mouse catching device away. On their way back through the city, Turing briefly wondered if any kittens would inherit this dreadful American accent, Tom was sporting while explaining at length about his latest conquests and numbers of kittens bred. As long as he could keep Pam happy and get her back to normal again, Turing really didn’t care. Instead, he tried to get them back to the flat as fast as possible. Time was of the essence!

Turing let Tom slip into the secret passage ahead of him, not wanting to delay any relief for poor Pam. Before Turing made it through the small hole in the wall, he could hear Pam wail and scream from the flat. It stopped him in his tracks, something deep down inside of him rearing its head, only to fall flat immediately. When he finally made it into the living room, Tom was rutting on top of Pam, teeth buried in her neck, his frontlegs scratching along her side. Pam’s screams, heart-rending to humans, were the top of sexy and enticing to Tom—and Turing, who despite certain shortcomings in his genitals, knew how to enjoy a good show laid out in front of him.

They were lucky. No humans in sight by night time. Tom had done more than his share of hard work and Pam was lying exhausted on her red velvet cushion. Turing had checked on their food and water supplies. The humans had obviously planned to be away for some time. At least another twenty-four hours, if Turing was calculating rightly. As it was, neither Pam nor Tom would eat anything during Tom’s time in the flat. They would be too invested in their porn studies, Pam going from novice to expert with an impressively steep learning curve.

By the middle of the next day, even Tom had to give up. With his last strength he crawled out of the flat, and Turing just hoped he would be able to make it home. Pam’s fluffy floof was all messed up with saliva, blood, and semen. While she was passed out from her exertions, Turing tenderly licked her clean, making sure any signs of what had happened in the flat were cleaned up and cleared away. He even forced himself to eat Pam's share of food. And if he lied down right next to Pam on the velvet cushion that night, it surely only was to make sure she wouldn’t fall down from the window sill in her deep sleep.


End file.
